SPOILERS/SWEARING: A Song of Ice and Fire

I CAN’T BELIEVE HE KILLED JON SNOW!

He’s really got it in for the Starks, hasn’t he, ol’ George?

But honestly, I can’t believe it. In fact, I refuse to believe it, on account that the Lord of Light has resurrected two others – Lord Beric and Lady Catelyn – and books (fantasy books in particular) have a thing about the number 3 – Jon Snow has to be the third. I think we can all agree that Lady Melisandre is more powerful than Thoros of Myr. And she clearly fancies Jon, so she’ll surely save him. Won’t she?

If she doesn’t, I might actually cry.

Then, of course, there’s the whole question of Jon’s mother to be revealed. Wylla the servant? The fisherwoman at Sisterton? Or is he actually Ned Stark’s nephew, not bastard son? Google R+L=J if you haven’t come to this conclusion before. There’s even another, more in depth spoiler from someone even sadder than me ….

Elsewhere, (in book 5) the Spider finally makes his re-appearance. No doubt he’s been living within the walls, sneaking into the kitchen or out and about through more secret passages. But Kevan Lannister? You bastard, Varys. The only good Lannister is a dead one. And he absolutely was. Can George get any more sadistic? Of course, Varys was spot on – Kevan was doing far too good a job.

So where do we think they’ll all end up? Will any of them actually live to the end or will George smite the whole damn lot of them? My wishful thinking … slightly left field … predictions:

  • Ser Robert Armstrong is obviously The Mountain and will be dispatched by Arianne, who’ll probably do for Qyburn too. It’s got to be him, hasn’t it? Having said that, we think Coldhands is Benjen Stark but he isn’t.
  • All the Lords and would-be Kings have to come to the Wall to fight The Others; The Dragons fly and turn the battle. Danaerys and Jon assume joint rule as true heirs. Because they’re so desperate to get back to tourneys, farming and praying, the kings, the lords, the peasants and the holy lot all shrug and let it go.
  • Jaime Lannister takes Jon’s place as Lord Commander of the Wall. Apart from the Bran affair, I can’t remember why he’s meant to be a baddie.
  • Cersei is diagnosed with severe OCD. Her control freak nature causes Tommen and Myrcella to rebel and run off to join a mummers show.
  • Danaerys finds Daario still alive and tells the nobles, the peasants and the holy lot to go fuck themselves, she’s keeping him. They just shrug and let it go.
  • Sansa comes to realise that actually, she quite fancies Jon after all – but might have to fight Arya for him.  (Cousins marrying is  fine, honestly.)
  • Tyrion becomes the Queen’s/King’s Hand again, Brienne becomes part of the Queen’s/King’sguard. Ser Barristan and Ser Jorah are still hanging on. Or were both killed heroically saving Danaerys at some point. I can’t make my mind up. Maybe one of each.
  • Brynden The Fish finds a golden ring inscribed with runes at the bottom of the Trident. They never find him.
  • Lady Stoneheart/Catelyn is reunited with her remaining children at Winterfell. They don’t have the heart to tell her she scares them shitless.
  • The Boltons have a flaying competition and slowly kill each other. Hurrah! The guilty Freys all die too.
  • Prince Doran gets sunburnt, like he hasn’t got enough troubles.
  • Theon is rejected by the Donor Association.
  • Varys bequeaths the Elder Wand to Bran, and  the Resurrection Stone to Melisandre but keeps the Invisibility Cloak in case the Targaryens cock it all up again.
  • Danaerys and Sansa (now fully practised in the art of manipulation, following the excellent tutoring of Petyr Baelish) gang up on Jon, who decrees that women are equals, and from now on the first born of either sex will rule and that men will damn well ask nicely if they fancy a shag. The nobles, the peasants and the holy lot all shrug and let it go.
  • Arya adopts the name ‘Havelock’ and rises through the ranks of the Braavos Assassins Guild before becoming The Patrician.

And they all live happily ever after.

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